Love, Lost.


I am hesitant to write this post. It is something that has hung over my mind for the last several months now, and yet I still feel inadequate to put it into words. In this post I do not offer any advice or helpful thoughts. Only my own confusion. In most things, though I have much to understand, I feel that there is a glimmer of truth that bit by bit makes itself known to me. In this matter above all, I feel green, small, and very far away from achieving any kind of understanding. Today, I will attempt to put words to my love and grief.

Last summer, I fell deeply in love with a wonderful man. I am no stranger to romance. I had dated many men, in many places, in relationships of all varieties. I was seeing someone else at the time, as was he, but when we met each other, every other person was forgotten. For the following days we frequently could only stare at each other, laughing and shaking our heads in disbelief. Surely this was it.

What happened, I still don’t fully understand, and isn’t the point of this post. The point is that its over. His leaving me is second in emotional pain only to the death of my mother six years ago. Indeed it touched a similar spot, I think, and aggravated the old wound with the new one. What followed proceded as though it had been already written. Neither of us was perfect. His faults are many and so are mine, and there were many things that stood between us: distance, age, culture. But all those things were small in comparison to what we thought we’d found.

It’s been almost three months now, and I am still struggling to process these emotions. What does it really mean to get over someone or to move on? I am not one to mope and wallow. Life will go on, much as it always had. Life is relentless, even in the face of grief and loss, and nothing is gained by refusing to run on with it. But what is the healthy way to proceed from where I am?

When most people talk about love, I find that what they really mean is a mutual addiction to each other emotionally. They do not love the other person so much as love the emotional role that person plays in their life. I will not pretend that I could love him perfectly without some unhealthy attachment, but even stripped of my attachment the fact that I love him is more certain and true to me than most of what I know. I can’t imagine the day when I will not. Something in me recognizes something beautiful in him, whether he is tired, angry, anxious, lost, or away from me.

I hope to love another, equally deserving person one day. Will I ever be able to look at that person with fresh eyes without judging one against the other? Will I ever be able to love as wholly and fully, without fear or reservation again? I want to. The love I experienced with him was the kind I’d always hoped but hardly believed was possible. For my own sanity and well being I have to believe that it is possible again. With this love I am ok. I can continue to carry it, but what of the things that hold me back? The pull and sadness the comes with us moving even farther away to pursue our lives? The intense missing of his person?

My love will always be with him, so I am faced with this seemingly unrealistic task: To move on, I must let him go. To let him go, I must really and truly disentangle my love from my attachment. Only then will I be free, and capable of loving that way again.

Understanding is the easy part. It is the doing that will take time. I suppose I am impatient. I want to feel free and balanced NOW, but I recognize now that it will be an active process, but one that will be worth it in the end.

If you have any comments or words of advice for me, I would love to hear from you!

J

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8 Responses to Love, Lost.

  1. love&rockets says:

    2 words: Yo-Ga! If you don’t already, try it. 😉
    You have everything else right…Time is the answer.

  2. I wish I had an answer for me and for you.. but I wanted to at least say I was glad to read your words and hope one of us stumbles on a solution 🙂

  3. Shay says:

    I relate to you so much. My love was taken from me because of a religious difference. And now I get to see him be with another girl, telling me that I have to get used to her, even though I know him so well that deep down he is trying to forget. Trying to forget me, the truth behind our feelings and the purity that we had. And also, trying to run away from the truth in which God was giving him. And that, alone, frustrates me so much. However, I have been at this five months now. And I can’t find myself falling in love again because, it wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be the same on both sides, because I have given my heart and soul away completely already. And no matter how many times he keeps telling me he will give it back, I know he isn’t really giving it back to me. I am so thankful to read this because it lets me know that I am not the only one going through this. That I am not alone in struggling and in these feelings that I have. Thank you for liking my post which lead me to read this post.(:

    • Thank you so much for sharing with me! It’s funny that I am reading this today because today I had planned on the second part of this series which focuses on my romantic grief and experience. I’m not even four months out, but it feels like a lifetime that I have been trying and failing to come to some kind of peace over what happened. It is hard to be patient with myself or to believe that I will ever be able to functionally love again. I have faith though that in time, I will, and that you will too.

      I struggle with my concept of God, but it seems that your faith is very strong and that He has been a great comfort to you. That is so wonderful. As you focus on doing His work, have faith that you are not hurt beyond repair, and that you too will heal.

  4. Joss Conlon says:

    You are wise beyond your years, and exceedingly well-written. I don’t think I’m easily impressed, but I’ve been impressed by you.

    I don’t think there is anyone on the planet who doesn’t struggle in exactly this way when they’ve truly, honestly given their heart to someone else. The question is whether or not they are strong enough to survive once the love of their life has departed. I am not personally convinced I’m going to make it, and I’ve always been stronger than most.

    The key to surviving this, perhaps, is realizing that we aren’t alone. Other, equally-intelligent and well-rounded people are undergoing the exact same processes that we are to try to make it through. I also think that in many ways the more intelligent we are (the more inside our own heads we are) the more difficult the process is. We need to analyze everything, to know how everything works–or doesn’t–and why. This is a brutal trait when the thing that is broken is us.

    For me, I will simply say that I appreciate your words, and your struggle. I’d ask that you post the answers you find, because I’m looking for them, too. Maybe you can help me get by. I wish I was more helpful to you.

    • I’m finding through this blog that I have a surplus of questions and a shortage of answers. I suppose that is appropriate for my age, but I doubt that the condition will change with time. I hope only, that as I age, I will ask better questions. As far as love is concerned, as I said, I am too green. I feel inadequate even to talk of my own experience.

      Past experience, though offering a cold reality has been of some help to me though. Twice before I have been loved in a way I did not fully return, and both times I have deeply hurt people who I cared very much about. When I think of my love I am angry and confused. I wish I could make him see how fully and completely I loved him and what he was giving up for the both of us when he left! How could we have shared those happy times, how could he have looked at me, talked to me that way, how could he have given up something that was so good? Was it all an act? Did something change? How did this gulf erupt between us? Then I remember a time when I stood on the other side of that gulf, and I understand. The realization is cold, and it hurts, but I am no longer confused and that is of some comfort. I would give anything to have him back, but I also realize that he did the right thing to let me go when he did.

      I do not know why I tell you this, as it is likely to hold little value. Though we both grieve for loved ones, I realize how your situation is very different. I guess it is only in solidarity with another person, crossed in love. Thank you so much for sharing yourself and your experience with me through your blog and through your comments. I wish you all the best, and likewise if you discover any answers, I would be happy to hear them as I seem to be short of them myself.

      J

      • Joss Conlon says:

        Actually our experience in this case is very similar. I love her far more than she loves me. I know she truly does love me, but not with the depth and need that I do her. I can’t walk away, could never walk away from her. She can walk away from me, and is.

        Like you, I’ve been on both sides of this equation. It is cold comfort to understand the situation.

        The fact is, I don’t want comfort. I want her. I don’t want to have to give up on her, to have to force myself to stop loving her in order to move forward. I truly gave her my heart, and for a time she gave hers as well. Like you, I just don’t think she sees what she’s pissing away…and how rare this is, how magnificent it could be.

        I’m trying to be logical and rational, but I still have a heart and it still has a say.

        Right now it can’t say much. It’s too busy weeping.

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