For the last couple of months, I have felt the same urge to write, but have felt that I have nothing of relevance to say. In order to avoid adding to the oversupply of Internet blather I have remained silent. I have been busy both externally and internally. Thesis, finals, graduation, final sporting competition, goodbyes, and trying to hold it all together. This last year, has been dark and chaotic. The last four years have been chaotic, and as they have drawn to a close I have hardly tried to sort out all that I was thinking and feeling. I preferred instead to stand back, as though outside myself, and listen to the buzz of circular thoughts and feelings without trying to name them or trace their origin. Maybe if I did not disturb my emotions with more thoughts and simply let them be, they would settle into a quiet.
I concentrated on the improvements I have listed in my last post. Starting with the basics. Starting over. With myself, with my relationships, and now, as I write this, with my life.
I did not find a job before graduation. I did remain, subletting a small room just off campus. Everyone left. I was alone with nothing more to do. I spent several hours every day searching for jobs receiving a few rejections, but mostly not ever hearing anything at all. I felt like a ghost. Walking through familiar walks and intersections but without anyone ever seeing me or acknowledging my presence. No where that I had to be. No schedule to keep. Nothing to distinguish Sunday from Tuesday. Only the rising summer heat marked the passage of time. How glorious.
It has been like taking a long and thorough bath after weeks of a wandering journey. I welcomed the quiet. I looked for jobs, but I spent most of my time just living life. Doing things for the joy of it. Exercising, because I wanted to, because I delighted in my own body. I went for long walks and bike rides exploring the city I have lived in for the last four years, but never really seen. It is a wonderful place. I will be sorry to leave it. I’ve been reading. What I am reading now is marking a fundamental change. So often I am attracted to books because they have titles about things I feel I should know about, or because I think the book will make me a more awesome person. I have been reading based on what I feel I should read and not what I want to read. Now I only read what I want. When I sit down to read the Economist I have stopped trying to read it from cover to cover because I feel I should know this stuff. I now skip strait to the articles that I find most interesting and let it trickle down from there. I treat my non-fiction books the same way now.
I am marveling in doing things for their own sake. No end goals. It is as though a fog has lifted. Living a better life and being a better person has nothing to do with the person I think I should be and everything to do with being true to the person I want to be. Not the person I want to be perceived, as by other people, but the person I want to BE.
Now that my thoughts feel clearer, I feel I have something to say and hope to write more on my experiences as I begin to make my way as a young professional. Read, but only if you wish.
Thoughts, questions, concerns, encouragement? Pease comment!