I have not written much of late, I would say because I have been busy, but that is not true. I should be busy, but I have found myself curled up in my room for hours watching Hulu.
My room is a mess. I often find that my personal space is a direct reflection of how I am feeling on the inside. If I am feeling at peace and well organized internally, my space tends to follow suit, but if I am distressed, feel disoriented or overwhelmed, my space quickly mirrors my internal clutter. So, not busy, I have been letting my mind accumulate clutter from many things.
Today I have been thinking just how important starting over can be. Sometimes in life, we need to hit the reset button.
This week, my teammate’s father passed away. He died very unexpectedly of a heart attack. I love my teammate dearly and wish I could do something for her, but having been through the same experience myself, I still don’t really know what to say, or how best to be there for her.
I thought back on my own experience. Grief is a funny thing. It is always with you, but sometimes more than others. Sometimes it is very real and very present, but at other times its reality is seems far away. Sometimes you want it to be far away. Everyone is there if you need to talk, if you need a shoulder to cry on, but after a while I became tired of crying. I got tired of carrying my grief around with me. I missed my mom, but I realized it was as important to give myself a break from what had happened as it was to cry it out.
Just as it was important for me to choose to be happy, it was just as important for me to choose when to put my burden down and start fresh. I will never forget my mom, all that she was to me, and I will always wish that she was here to see what I was doing and to offer me her sound advice. I will always have that sense of loss. But I have also learned how and when to leave it behind.
It is not being callous. It is not denial or suppression. It is important to acknowledge and learn from all your experiences, the good and the bad. Sometimes, however, in order to fully live your life, you have to allow yourself a clear mind and a clear and open heart, free from the past’s clutter.
The other thing that my experience with mom taught me is that a lot of people out there are carrying their own burdens. Whether it is someone they lost, someone who has hurt them, someone they hurt, grief, regret, or shame, warranted or imaginary, most people have something that they carry with them.
If you feel burdened or that your mind is cluttered, try something for yourself. Today, before bed, sort out all what you have been carrying with you and write it down. Write that letter to someone; list your worries or regrets. Put what you’ve written in a safe place. Clear your mind before you sleep and when you wake up in the morning, leave them at home. Give yourself a day to hit “reset” and start over.