Starting Over Part III

Hello all,

It has been a while since I have written for a couple of reasons. First and formost, I have been occupied writing my senior thesis for which I put everything, and I really mean EVERYTHING else on hold. The second reason is that for all my desire to start afresh, I was paralyzed with anxiety about the future compounded with the distress resultant in interacting with the one who got away.

The low:

After we broke up, we have kept in loose contact, and he had promised to visit me sometime soon. I was both looking forward to and fearful of the visit, but we had never decided on a specific weekend. Every time we tried to make plans, there were schedule uncertaintys and so we agreed each time to just wait and see. Of course he never came, and I never forced the matter. One day when we were chatting he indicated that he was seeing someone else. I had assumed this, but it was the incredibly crass manner in which he brought it up that stunned me. I told him something had come up and I had to go. I logged off immediately and spent the next half hour crying, curled up in the bottom of my running shower.

I am telling you this because it brought me to an important realization: sometimes you can’t stay friends. That man means the world to me, but when a careless world from him can wreak such havoc on my emotional well being it isn’t healthy. Maintaining the relationship, even as friends, was keeping me from letting go.

And so I took a long overdue and positive step:

This time, I really let go. I threw away his pictures, and took all the pictures and files relating to him off my computer. I even deleted the programs he had transfered to me and reloaded them or bought them myself so I wouldn’t have to see his name when I updated them. I could not throw away his key with the keychain he had given me, so I gave it to my friend to hide away somewhere I will never see it. I have written dozens of emails to him telling him how I felt without sending them. I wrote him one more, saying that we could not be friends and this time, I sent it. Then I blocked him from skype and g-chat.

The low:

I had completely cut him out this time, and while I could feel I was doing the right thing, it was like breaking up with him all over again. Two weeks later I received a long email from him, explaining himself and his behavior toward our relationship. This sent me into another wave of grief.

Durring this time, I finished up my thesis and turned my attention again to the impossible pile of work that had accumulated durring that time and to the daunting task of finding a job. Most people in my year are finally signing offers and planing last trips and excursions before they enter the real world. I have decided to stay here in this city after I graduate if I am not yet employed. I will sublet summer housing while I continue my search. School will soon be over and there is much to be done in the meantime leaving me little time for my job hunt. The inevitability of my summer purgatory was disheartening.

Between my sense of loss and my yet undecided future I felt like a failure. I wasn’t sleeping well, I wasn’t thinking clearly, or using my time well. I wasn’t eating much because the anxiety had caused me to get too many kanker sores to have much more than soup.

I decided it was time to make a real shift in my daily life. 

The shift has been small, but powerful. Its based on the idea that if I keep doing what I’m doing, I will keep feeling what I’m feeling. I felt like I was already doing  everything I could, and no matter how hard I worked, it would never be nearly enough. The last time I felt that way and made a shift, it changed the entire way I looked at life and myself for the better. However, it was a change made by increments.

I realized I needed to start at the beginning. I am starting out with some very small, basic changes.

Objective 1: Regaining mental and physical health

This sounds self-evident, but before you can make more positive changes in your life, you need to have the mental and physical energy. This was something I was already short on and so my changes start here.

1. Sleep more. I can not stress this enough. I don’t care how much you have to do. Skipping out on sleep is more damaging than helpful unless it is in a rare and isolated situation. If you are regularly under-rested, you are only waisting more time and energy. Your body can’t recover, your mind can’t recover, you tend to make other self destructive choices in what you eat, drink, and do as a result. Get. Sleep.

2. Reduce your dependance on (fill in the blank). Drugs that get you through the day are typically unhealthy, but are habit forming because you build up a tolerance to the drug. If you are taking a drug just to get you to a basic level of functionality, it is time to ween yourself off. For most of us, our drug of choice is some kind of stimulant, whether in the form of coffee, soda, or even energy drinks. Not only are these things bad for you, but they often take the place of necessary water throughout the day. Coffee itself is a powerful diuretic and can further dehydrate you. Durring my time in college, I have become a coffee addict. I mean, get headaches, can’t think strait or do anything without multiple double shots of espresso a day. I have spent the last couple weeks weaning myself off, but it has been well worth it. Combined with the other steps I’ve taken, I don’t need the caffeine anymore. I still have a cup on occasion because I believe in all things in moderation, but I now have less coffee in a week than I used to have in one day. I feel better and I’ve saved a lot of money.

3. Drink more water. Now that you are drinking less coffee or other less than healthy beverages, you may find yourself casting around for something else to drink. Water, drink lots of water. Yes, you can hydrate with other drinks but there is nothing better for you than strait water. As an athlete I am very aware of my hydration levels and I will tell you that one of the first signs of dehydration is fatigue. If you are looking for ways to have more energy in your day, drink, drink, drink. I have a 1L. water bottle that I carry with me everywhere. This may be a little big for the average person, but I highly encourage making a reusable water bottle your companion. By doing this you’ll save money, save the planet, and save your body.

4. Forget the diet plans, go for nutrients! Instead of thinking about what you shouldn’t eat think more about what you should eat, what your body really wants. This is a much more positive way of thinking about your food and it makes meal decisions much easier. Your body wants vitamins and minerals from fruits and vegetables. It wants protein and complex carb that are going to give you long lasting energy. If you make your choices based on how awesome its going to make you feel, you will appreciate your food a lot more while making better choices.

5. Take your vitamins. Sure, your making awesome food choices now, but you are also a busy person working within a limited food environment, and you still probably gravitate more towards some foods than others. A good multi-vitamin can help fill in those holes. I take a few extra supplements for special needs such as my joints.

6. Meditate. This is the most important component of improving mental health and reducing anxiety. Even if its only for 5 min. I usually go for about 15. There are loads of meditation techniques on the web. Choose what works for you. The point is to focus your mind. I personally like to focus on my breath and my body. There is a whole body of science demonstrating the benefits of incorporating a daily meditation practice into your life. It improves a number of factors contributing to your health, well-being, and daily performance.

7. Dress for success. This is a little step that makes a huge difference. It signals to the world as well as to yourself “I care.” I don’t mean this in a shallow way, but in a very deep and significant way. By transmitting this signal you are demonstrating you are ready to invest in yourself and others. This is an easy way to elevate your mood, and the way you feel about yourself. This is transmitted to the people around you who will be more inclined to react positively and invest their energy in you. This becomes a positive cycle.

8. Keep a record. None of these are huge changes, but what is particularly important about them is the mindset behind them. An active and positive mindset is the biggest driver of positive change. While these little actions will go a long way in improving your life they are also important signals to yourself that you are taking an active role in moving your life in a better direction. This can be very empowering and can make way for further positive changes. I like to keep a notebook where, at the end of a day, I list all the positive actions I have taken that day. “Today I…took my vitamins, ate a nutritious lunch, spent time connecting with an old friend, cleaned out my desk, meditated, etc.” For me, this has become a powerful psychological exercise.

———-

Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t take your vitamins or don’t meditate one day. I don’t. That is what the list is for, so I can focus on what I’m doing right, rather than what I’m doing wrong. If you aren’t good at keeping a record, no sweat. Remember, each little step you make is for you. There is no falling off the wagon here. Just you. One step at a time.

Live well,

J

Starting Over Part II

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

I hope that you have had a chance to exchange a word or note with your loved ones, and maybe even got to spend time with them. On Valentine’s Day, I try to remember all the loving relationships I have around me and less on the romance.

Though it’s a nice thought, I will not try to hide the fact that this is also part of a coping mechanism. Though I certainly have been granted more than my rightful share of romantic intrigues, Valentine’s Day historically finds me alone. So, I focus on all those who DO love me and happily plot my next day’s plunder of discount candy at the nearest CVS.

I am not all healthy thoughts and smiles though. Tonight I have not been able to resist the urge to check repeatedly on my ex’s skype icon. I pray that the little icon stays green, indicating yet another late night in the office for him tonight, before I remind myself not to care.

It is hard for me to think about moving on. Even in the few moments of clarity when I can see myself with someone else, my vision of a relationship, what I look for, what I expect, how I react, is colored not only by him, but by everyone I have ever dated. While I am grateful for all these experiences and what they have brought to me, in knowledge both about people and about myself, I cannot help but feel that something has been…lost in the process.

My grandmother frequently reminded me that, “you have to kiss a couple frogs before you find your prince.” I have kissed a LOT of frogs, and a few toads. It’s true, this last relationship did enough damage that it alone will take a while to recover from, but every one of those others left their own mark. I have become a jaded and I don’t approach or enjoy dating the way I used to, and my relationship with men has changed.

I want to start over, from the beginning. Before the drama, the baggage, the heartache or the expectations. I want to start fresh. I have been talking to my high-school boyfriend a lot lately. We dated for three and a half years, and while it took us a long time to fully get over each other, we now have a solid friendship that I would not trade with the world.

I like talking to him when I feel confused, not because he is my fallback or anything like that. It is only that talking to him reminds me of another time within myself. He is a link to my past when my thoughts were simpler. All I wanted was for someone to hold my hand and share an understanding.

I don’t want to try to replace my ex. To try to do so, I think, would surely drive me crazy. Instead I want to start over completely. I want to go back to the way I was, before I was colored by all I know now.

In the movie Eat, Pray, Love, the heroine breaks from her dependent cycle of men to embark on a journey of personal awakening. I do not have the option of fleeing to India or Bali, but for the first time in my life, I am ready for a break. I will still grieve, but as I mentioned in my last post, I will be leaving my grief at home as much as possible. As I enter this time of transition, I cannot think of a better time for self-renewal.

This Valentine’s Day, and for many months to come, it will be time to focus on me and my relationships with all the friends and family around me that I hope to carry into the next phase. So, on this day of romance, I am opting out. I recognize that I need time to hit “reset” before I can start again.

J

Starting Over Part 1

Dear all,

I have not written much of late, I would say because I have been busy, but that is not true. I should be busy, but I have found myself curled up in my room for hours watching Hulu.

My room is a mess. I often find that my personal space is a direct reflection of how I am feeling on the inside. If I am feeling at peace and well organized internally, my space tends to follow suit, but if I am distressed, feel disoriented or overwhelmed, my space quickly mirrors my internal clutter. So, not busy, I have been letting my mind accumulate clutter from many things.

Today I have been thinking just how important starting over can be. Sometimes in life, we need to hit the reset button.

This week, my teammate’s father passed away. He died very unexpectedly of a heart attack. I love my teammate dearly and wish I could do something for her, but having been through the same experience myself, I still don’t really know what to say, or how best to be there for her.

I thought back on my own experience. Grief is a funny thing. It is always with you, but sometimes more than others. Sometimes it is very real and very present, but at other times its reality is seems far away. Sometimes you want it to be far away. Everyone is there if you need to talk, if you need a shoulder to cry on, but after a while I became tired of crying. I got tired of carrying my grief around with me. I missed my mom, but I realized it was as important to give myself a break from what had happened as it was to cry it out.

Just as it was important for me to choose to be happy, it was just as important for me to choose when to put my burden down and start fresh. I will never forget my mom, all that she was to me, and I will always wish that she was here to see what I was doing and to offer me her sound advice. I will always have that sense of loss. But I have also learned how and when to leave it behind.

It is not being callous. It is not denial or suppression. It is important to acknowledge and learn from all your experiences, the good and the bad. Sometimes, however, in order to fully live your life, you have to allow yourself a clear mind and a clear and open heart, free from the past’s clutter.

The other thing that my experience with mom taught me is that a lot of people out there are carrying their own burdens. Whether it is someone they lost, someone who has hurt them, someone they hurt, grief, regret, or shame, warranted or imaginary, most people have something that they carry with them.

If you feel burdened or that your mind is cluttered, try something for yourself. Today, before bed, sort out all what you have been carrying with you and write it down. Write that letter to someone; list your worries or regrets. Put what you’ve written in a safe place. Clear your mind before you sleep and when you wake up in the morning, leave them at home. Give yourself a day to hit “reset” and start over.

Live well,

J

 

 

To stay or go?

I mentioned in a previous post about fear and reticence and how I wasn’t going to let it drag on me in my search for a better future. Translated into actual action, I said that I was going to more actively look for and apply to jobs. I have kept my word. I have written many many cover letters, talked to people, gotten advice, sent my resume thither and yon. This effort has brought one startling and wonderful side effect. Lately, I have begun to dream again.

Instead of looking into the future with worry and wondering what kind of job or situation I could live with, I begin to think of all the wonderful ways I can really LIVE! The possibilities I could reach for! I have begun to imagine my life a year from now, five years from, ten years from now with a fresh mind. I am excited again.

So often the word “potential” has haunted me. What once was an inspiring word became a dirty word. It represented things that could have been done, but hadn’t, or things that could be done, but wouldn’t. I don’t know when “potential” turned into a dirty word, but it is beautiful again.

I could live here…

I find myself now, at a happy crossroad. After all the cover letters and resumes that I have sent, I received 1 interview this month. That interview turned into a job offer…in CHINA. A little over a year ago, I returned from a 6 month stint studying in Hangzhou then Beijing. I have since wanted to go back. I have invested a lot of my education in trying to understand China, but I will never understand it in a way that is useful if I do not go back and learn the language and immerse myself in the culture. Many people who find themselves in such a situation go to teach English. The job I would be taking would offer me the opportunity to interact with companies all over the world as well as about conducting business in China. If I wanted to go live and work in China, this job is one of the best opportunities to do so that I could ask for.

Though most days it would look more like this…

There are a lot of drawbacks of course, aside from the obvious strain and commitment of being on the other side of our planet from my friends and family. It is not the most wonderful city. It is VERY hot and humid and polluted, which is no small matter in China. It pays well enough to live there, but when translated into USD, I would be working for pennys. It would pretty much be an extended investment in education. I have toyed with the idea of going to a grad school in Nanjing, and working in China would bring my Mandarin up to the level I would need to attend. All the drawbacks would be small in relation to the experience and knowledge I would gain from working there.

So what holds me back? Part of it is fear. I am already jumping into an unknown situation: the world of self-sufficient adults. To do this in a completely foreign environment might be a little overwhelming. Another thing that holds me back is not a good reason, but something I need to be aware of. I am tired. Years of school/athletics has burned me out pretty bad. Living in a totally foreign environment where you are not completely literate is a real struggle. Rules are different, and they are much harder to understand when you can’t read. Normal tasks become a huge undertaking. It’s all part of the adventure. I CRAVE adventure, but without a break, I worry that my energy levels are a little low to embark on such a one.

The last thing that holds me back is after months of thinking and searching, I have found my “dream job.” Just reading the job description makes me tingly. I have not yet applied, but if I had an offer from them, it would be a no brainer. I am still trying to figure out, if I can’t snag that job, how many other positions are there out there, like it?

Both options here would be a bold move. On the one hand, I would leave the world I know and the people I love. With nothing but myself and a suitcase I would start a new life in a foreign land. I would forfeit pay, the security of a larger company, and the comforts that come from making a decent living in the US in exchange for ADVENTURE and OPPORTUNITY. Its a small and growing company, and there is room for me to take on a lot of responsibility and advance really fast.

To not take this job would throw me again into the abyss of uncertainly. I have a bird in hand already. To release it would be a great act of faith. No, faith is rewarded by another power. This would only be a gamble. However, the possible reward is the kind of job I’ve only ever dreamed of.

Happy crossroads indeed, but one over which I have lost a lot of sleep. Dear blogging world, if you have any wise words to share with me, I would appreciate it!

-J

Conversation with a Friend

Me on men: “I am the full package, I expect them to be too.”

a few minutes later….

My friend on finding a job: “Life doesn’t have to suck. No. It doesn’t. You are the full package; it should be too.”

Ooo, Touché! And so the search continues…

Love, Lost.

I am hesitant to write this post. It is something that has hung over my mind for the last several months now, and yet I still feel inadequate to put it into words. In this post I do not offer any advice or helpful thoughts. Only my own confusion. In most things, though I have much to understand, I feel that there is a glimmer of truth that bit by bit makes itself known to me. In this matter above all, I feel green, small, and very far away from achieving any kind of understanding. Today, I will attempt to put words to my love and grief.

Last summer, I fell deeply in love with a wonderful man. I am no stranger to romance. I had dated many men, in many places, in relationships of all varieties. I was seeing someone else at the time, as was he, but when we met each other, every other person was forgotten. For the following days we frequently could only stare at each other, laughing and shaking our heads in disbelief. Surely this was it.

What happened, I still don’t fully understand, and isn’t the point of this post. The point is that its over. His leaving me is second in emotional pain only to the death of my mother six years ago. Indeed it touched a similar spot, I think, and aggravated the old wound with the new one. What followed proceded as though it had been already written. Neither of us was perfect. His faults are many and so are mine, and there were many things that stood between us: distance, age, culture. But all those things were small in comparison to what we thought we’d found.

It’s been almost three months now, and I am still struggling to process these emotions. What does it really mean to get over someone or to move on? I am not one to mope and wallow. Life will go on, much as it always had. Life is relentless, even in the face of grief and loss, and nothing is gained by refusing to run on with it. But what is the healthy way to proceed from where I am?

When most people talk about love, I find that what they really mean is a mutual addiction to each other emotionally. They do not love the other person so much as love the emotional role that person plays in their life. I will not pretend that I could love him perfectly without some unhealthy attachment, but even stripped of my attachment the fact that I love him is more certain and true to me than most of what I know. I can’t imagine the day when I will not. Something in me recognizes something beautiful in him, whether he is tired, angry, anxious, lost, or away from me.

I hope to love another, equally deserving person one day. Will I ever be able to look at that person with fresh eyes without judging one against the other? Will I ever be able to love as wholly and fully, without fear or reservation again? I want to. The love I experienced with him was the kind I’d always hoped but hardly believed was possible. For my own sanity and well being I have to believe that it is possible again. With this love I am ok. I can continue to carry it, but what of the things that hold me back? The pull and sadness the comes with us moving even farther away to pursue our lives? The intense missing of his person?

My love will always be with him, so I am faced with this seemingly unrealistic task: To move on, I must let him go. To let him go, I must really and truly disentangle my love from my attachment. Only then will I be free, and capable of loving that way again.

Understanding is the easy part. It is the doing that will take time. I suppose I am impatient. I want to feel free and balanced NOW, but I recognize now that it will be an active process, but one that will be worth it in the end.

If you have any comments or words of advice for me, I would love to hear from you!

J

Thoughts on the New Year

Hello All!

I have been pondering for some time how I want to approach this New Year:

This next year will bring a lot of new changes and challenges for me. I do not yet know what those challenges will be, but my actions in the coming year will set the course for the rest of my life. That sounds a little dramatic doesn’t it? Every new day is the beginning of the rest of our lives, but this next year will be the deciding moments and the beginning of what I consider to be my adult life. For this reason, I will spend a great deal of time this next year and on this blog considering my prospects in the future.

To the Past

However, on this New Year’s Eve, as I consider the changes that lie before me, I want to look back and consider what, from now, I intend to carry with me. I have gone through many changes and learned many things in the last three and a half years, nearly all of which have been outside the classroom, and the most important thing I hope to take with me is the people I have met along the way. The most valuable lesson I have learned is the true value of my relationships with others.

There are other lessons too- personal lessons that I have been mulling over and I’m sure will later make their appearance here on this site. These things that I carry with me in my heart will act as a compass in an uncertain future.

To the Future

However, on to the future! It is New Year’s after all. New Year’s is for changing habits, setting goals, and for new directions. However, I have never had much luck with New Year’s Resolutions. For me, they tend to grow stale around March, and by mid-summer they lay long forgotten as my attentions turns toward new endeavors. The New Year’s Resolution however is an admirable concept, however, and one that I am quite taken with. A nearly universal ritual in which people submit to self-evaluation and make efforts to improve their lives is simply wonderful. I love goals, plans, and projects, but I have come to realize that resolving something for a whole year, is not for me. I have a more fun idea…monthly resolutions!

Last year, every month, I changed something about my diet to see what made me feel better. One month I stopped eating meat and found that I felt better. My diet ever since has consisted of considerably less meat. Another month I cut out dairy and found that it had no affect whatsoever cutting it out, or resuming eating it in copious amounts a month later. Another month I cut out the crux of my diet: bagels and found I made much healthier choices throughout the day.

These monthly experiments were easy to handle, provided great value for their duration, and permanently changed some of my habits for the better through the combination of awareness and developed custom. So, for this year, I am going to make ONE resolution for each month through which I hope I will form some positive and lasting habits.

January Resolution: Contact someone each day that I care about, but haven’t spoken to in a while.

The Present

How hard it is to remain in the present, and yet that is the best place to be. In this moment, I am thankful for all that I have been blessed with. In this moment I am happy because I can be. For all my future plans, I know the key to living my best life is knowing that I carry the best things with me. All the happiness, love, and joy I could want are not things that I intend to find on my journey. They are things that I carry with me to share, wherever it may take me.

Live well,

J